I slept on the floor last night. With some pillows under me and it was strangely comfortable. I was just so tired. I didn’t have time to go figure out anything else.

Yesterday was so difficult, man. Nobody gets it. And they probably never will because it’ll always be one-sided. There’s the whole “ she’s older than you so you gotta deal with it “ thing that I’m not having anymore of. Just because you’re older, it doesn’t mean you can treat people any kind of way. I am a really good person. I help as much as I can. I’m just trying to live my life. The fact that any of this is even happening is annoying to me. It’s childish and it’s weird because I honestly forgot it happened after the fact. It’s unbelievable that I’m in this situation. I have to keep reminding myself that I am actually living through this. I am actually dealing with this. It’s not all a dream. But, I wish it was. Everything could be so simple and easy but that’s not how she operates. I’m hoping things work out because I’m kind of torn but... I don’t know. I am beyond drained.

I just ate a whole bag of wild berry skittles and didn’t even realize it. I can’t even picture myself doing it. Skittles aren’t even that good to me for me to down a whole bag like that. What the heck?

I look like shit on a stick. I have big bags under my eyes. I’m losing weight. My skin is dry and peeling. I’m pale as crap. My hair is a mess but hopefully this little birthday vacation will fix all of that right up.

I’m going to watch Jersey Shore and I’ll probably come back and add more as the day goes on.

There was no reason for you to throw me under the bus like that. At all. Everything you did and have done was/is so uncalled for. I don’t get it. All of these friendship building exercises aren’t going to fix a damn thing. At the end of the day, you are who you are and I am who I am. I give up though. I’m embarrassed. I feel less than. I’m over it. There is no more listening and understanding. This is the end of it for me. If anything, I just need a break. And I will get it.

So I’m feeling very much Lisa Lopes today. Very much, burn your house down and then disappear to a nice, quiet island type of day. I won’t lie and say I am the hugest fan. But, yes. I’m exhausted, though. I’m about to go to sleep now. I’m on the phone with him and he kind of pissed me off but it’s okay because I can sleep with him and it wasn’t anything serious. I’m just emotional and moody. He understands, though. Goodnight, kiddos 💕

August 20, 2018

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