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August 25, 2018

I’m not really a big fan of change. I like for things to stay the way they are. Even if it mean it hurts or I’m wrong. I don’t like change. Once I’m used to it, it HAS to stay that way or it’s very difficult for me to accept that it isn’t what it was. Change scares me. It’s unpredictable. Most of the time, there is no planning it out. And I get so close to a good thing and all I have to do is change and accept it but I never do. I do the same thing every time and expect different results. It’s literally insanity. So, I will do differently this time. I will let the change happen and I will accept it for what it is. I’ll accept all that it brings. I’ll accept all that it takes. I hope it doesn’t take him away from me. But... again, you can’t plan change always. And it’s inevitable. I’m happy about this change. I’m more excited due to the recent change. Nobody sees it. But I know it. He may not even know it. But, I’m happy. I’m sad because I don’t want to lose these people but it’s a necessary evil. I’m not going to run away from it anymore. I’m going to take it all in and GROW.

I’m going to smoke and walk today. I probably can’t even get shmacked from the little I have right now but a girl can only hope. I haven’t smoked in a few days. And I honestly am okay but I actually WANT to smoke now. Before, I kind of forced myself because it has become routine but... CHANGE. I fought it. But, smoking occasionally feels better than smoking daily... multiple times a day.

I know I’ve used this as the mystery song before but hear me out first before you get upset. This song is deep, man. Listen to it again. And actually listen. It’s what’s getting me through the night and through my thoughts without crying and losing it. It’s deeper than what you think. If you really want to be in my head and understand me, here we go. Buckle up and enjoy the ride. From here on out, I’m doing ME. I’m saying what I feel like saying. I’m doing what I feel like doing. Today is the first day of complete opaqueness. -4am

I hope it’s not weed that I’m missing right now. I feel this longing feeling in my chest that’s really so strong that I could cry. And it’s intensified since I’ve gotten off... which means I’m closer to smoking... or is it the “hand to mouth” I’m missing? I don’t know. We’ll see. I’ve been doing so good without it. I think maybe it’s just excitement. I don’t know.

Mystery song of the day