You know what’s embarrassing? When you’re yelling and spilling your business about your probably toxic relationship in your grandparents house with thin walls... now, they know everything. They probably already have a preconceived notion on what they think he’ll be like. They probably won’t like him now that they know what I’ve been through. And I have to go out there and act like I wasn’t just crying my eyes out over this man. And I’m going to inherently look like a dumb ass when I take him back because they already know everything. Why couldn’t I just keep my voice down? They already probably think I’m pathetic and helpless because of recent encounters. They think I’m addicted to drugs too because my mom doesn’t know how to keep certain secrets a secret. I look like a fuck up right now and I probably am. Honestly. I can’t even get myself to stop crying so my eyes won’t get red and puffy. It’s times like this when I wish my family was more lovey dovey and that I could just walk out and get a hug and for somebody to say it’s okay and they understand or some corny shit like that but I don’t even like hugs. But I wish I did. I’m tired of crying alone. I just want to be able to cry in somebody’s arms. Anybody, man. But I can’t. It’s impossible. I can’t cry the way I want to around anybody. It’s just not me. I wipe my own tears. I pat my own back. But nonetheless, I still feel like a weak pussy right now. I feel soft and weak. I’m not soft. I’m not weak. I’m strong and I push through. I go through stuff but I LIVE. I fight and I keep trying. Resilience isn’t always a good trait to have. Because I never dwell on an emotion for too long and when I do, it’s torture. Absolute torture. I’ll smoke it away or keep myself busy but it hurts so bad. Everything hurts me so bad. And I can’t take it. I won’t. I’ll be okay, though. Being “ hard “ isn’t about selling drugs or hurting people or any of the dumb stuff people say to be “ tough “. I’m tough. I’m hard. I get through pain after pain and I still shine like the freaking sun. I still love people like I’m not hurting. I still try to be for others what I lack myself. I’m strong. And I will get through this and every other painful moment in life because life is full of pain and discomfort but you push through to get to the good parts. It’s going to be okay.

What’s crazy is that I actually wrote my entire rant while I was upset. That been my whole thing lately. When I’m hurt or upset or stressed, I work. And beautiful things come from my pain. This whole site came from pain. So, please understand me when I say, I’m an artist and I’m sensitive about my shit - in my Erykah Badu voice. I put my everything into this. Literal blood of sweat and tears. So, I’m not playing games when it comes to this. Thank you kindly.

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